Girls are notoriously bad at making choices. This fact can be proven in many ways; however, for conclusive proof you need only to visit your local coffee shop or thrift store. There, you will find evidence of the indecisive tendencies of the white middle class female-often referred to as the basic white girl. Easily identified, these girls often spend extensive amounts of time perched in front of the menu board, staring at an exhaustive list of Frappuccino’s and lattes that are all some combination of high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavoring, and caffeine.
Baristas and coffee connoisseurs know the difference between these coffees, but to the average observer, drinks can all be measured on a gradient scale of unnecessary calories and financial extortion. In this dichotomy of values one discovers a typical example of female indecision. Although most honest, red-blooded women prefer the chocolate-mint Frappuccino to black pour-over coffee, many are tempted to opt for the former over the latter simply because the caloric damage is less extreme. The decision-making process is not straight-forward. If you are a female selecting a restaurant or choosing a pair of jeans, there are at least four components to making a choice.
Step one: ask for an opinion. Men go shopping alone. There is a reason for this: they can buy what they want without asking people about it. Probably this is the difference between x and y chromosomes, but women lack the natural resolution of men. Some call this tendency stubbornness; others label it assertion. Regardless of the term, the fact is that men make decisions. While men can try on a pair of jeans and buy them on the spot, women need a second opinion, and a third, for reassurance that they are, in fact, a good buy. Warning- if you are a man and are requested to give an opinion, tread softly. Watch out for loaded questions like, “How do you think this makes me look?” If a woman looks at herself while asking, or sucks in her stomach for the duration of the question only respond with one of two answers, “You look hot” or “if you like it, get it.”
Step two: indecision. It is a necessary part of the female cognitive process. Before one can make any definitive progress on anything one must be indecisive. Working out is a perfect illustration of this phenomenon. All women know the importance of exercise- but there are always deterring factors from going to the gym. The indecisive process initiates a complicated quandary of the cost/reward system of working out. Although this appears a simple process, the consequences are extensive and include factors such as redoing makeup, freedom to eat dessert, familial obligations, and previously decided time constraints.
Indecision, often synonymously labeled external processing is best when the listener doesn’t give advice. Optimal external processing is fostered with the occasional verbal encouragement, just to let the person know that their concerns are being heard. This is essential- if you are not a female, you might not understand this concept. Indecision is not a phase for giving opinion. That is phase one. Giving an opinion in phase two will often result in emotional and unfortunate outbreaks of anger, hostility, or resentment. Especially if they agree with you.
Step three: Justification. In this phase women normally have already made their choice. Although they know what they should do, they want someone to tell them a better or more pleasant option. For instance, there is scientific proof that no one prefers a mini ice cream cone to a large one. Yet in the cash register many women often turn to their friends and ask what size they are getting. The reason for this is simple; they want a large ice cream. Concurrently, they don’t want the stigma of an unhealthy eater by being the only person to order dessert. In the justification process, the female mind typically attempts to convince others to make the same decision. Justification is best teamed with another justifier- someone else who will tell them that their thoughts are reasonable and commendable.
Step four: retrospective indecisiveness. After making a decision, all but the strongest of women progress to step four, which is retrospective indecisiveness. This step closely resembles indecision and justification. This phenomenon is the sole reason for the nativity of the receipt. Buyer’s remorse is often symptomatic of retrospective indecisiveness and has single-handedly kept the resale market flourishing. Unlike men, women make decisions after making decisions; and most choices can be undone if necessary.
While these four steps are good guidelines for making a choice, they are by no means an exhaustive list for understanding the female brain. Factors such as peer pressure, proximity to chocolate, hormones, stress, and current self-esteem can drastically impact potential for decisiveness.
Bottom line: If you are a woman, embrace this process and do what’s best for you.
Or don’t.
Or do and then regret it.
Whatever you do; do something and be willing to risk failure or disappointment to pursue something amazing.
If you’re a man, don’t try to understand this process. Just offer positive reinforcement and be grateful that the frontal lobe of your brain is unencumbered by monthly mood swings. Be very grateful.
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